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I have been close companions with a woman, who has faced and conquered many hardships, which I admire. However, she's constantly taken by surprise by people. Her husband ended their marriage, which came as a massive blow. A lot of close acquaintances disappeared then, because they seemed focused solely on the spouse. It shocked her deeply. She put in greater energy in our friendship, and must have grasped more clearly what friendship was.

Ongoing Issues With Friends Drifting Away

Over the years, several in her circle have drifted apart leaving her certain of the reason. Her last employer became hostile, even though she was very skilled at her work, she departed unaware of what had changed.

How Things Stand Now

Lately, we have each retired leading to more frequent meetups, however, I feel the part I play between us is to listen. I start topics of conversation and she changes conversation onto things she cares about. In terms of politics, she has unyielding views. I attempt to suggest verifying facts and alternate views.

She's been organizing a holiday to a country I've visited repeatedly even called home previously. I tried to offer personal experiences, but this was unappreciated. She really solely sought my agreement with her plans. I recently returned from four weeks in that country and she wants to catch up, but I don't.

Weighing the Options

I am unwilling in this role who cuts and runs without explanation, however, I feel she can comprehend the effect of how she acts on how I feel about myself. Right now, my state is avoidance mode. How should I proceed?

Potential Solutions

You could end things abruptly, however, that approach is not often the peaceful resolution that we desire. Yet having a direct talk with the goal of working things out takes courage and openness for each of you.

Therapists recommend using a useful conflict resolution tool:

"Step one is to state what typically happens during your discussions. This needs to be objective and clear and essentially an unbiased account. Step two is to tell how this leaves you feeling. There should be no disagreement here. Emotions are your feelings, of course. Finally is to ask how the two of you going to change the interaction in your relationship."

Remember she too holds perspectives, thus requiring you to be prepared to hear that. A helpful technique is to say her:

"Please share your thoughts and I promise to not say anything for 30 minutes."

It's remarkably successful in fostering understanding.

Closing Considerations

Your friend may dismiss your concerns, as some people hold onto a “survival narrative”: they have a story about themselves they cannot let go of as it feels essential is tied to it and it's all they've known. It's tough when there seems no thoroughfare here, just dead ends. However, she might start out defensively and then think on your words. If you don't achieve a fix, it will give you peace that you've been truthful.